Scene 1: Opening

THE RIND KING

"All the world’s a stage...

but the script is written by trolls."

M. R. Furlong

M. R. Furlong

151 Braemar Crescent

Stratford, Ontario

Canada

wtefurlong@hotmail.com

519-275-1576

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

The Rind King's Court

●      RIND KING – The King of the South

●      GENERAL MARIUS – Southern Military leader torn between loyalty and love for Lyra, a fairy

●      MUSKRAT WIZARD – Tech-Bro/Alchemist

●      SERVANT ONE – courtier transformed by the King's essence

●      SERVANT TWO – courtier transformed by the King's essence

●      ESSENCE-INFUSED SOLDIER (E-Man)– foot soldier

The Northern Alliance

●      QUEEN ELARA – Elf Queen

●      JINGO – court jester

●      FAIRY KING POUTINI – Fairy King

●      LYRA – fairy in love with General Marius

●      MOTHER FAIRY – Lyra’s mother

●      DR. WIZ – Celebrity oracle/guru

The Players / Spies

●      ZAVAGO - (as Brutus) Elara’s undercover thespian-spy

●      FLUTUS - (as Caesar) actor/director

●      TITANIA - (as Calpurnia/Senator) actor

●      CLAPPER - (as Cassius/Soothsayer/Senator) actor

The Weird Sisters (Wyrd Podcast Witches)

●      STORMY – witch/podcast host

●      WINDY – witch/podcast host

●      RAIN – witch/podcast host/Rind King’s ghost father

The Troll Chorus

●      TROLL 1, TROLL 2, TROLL 3, Troll Kanada – The Chorus/Forest of Despair

THE RIND KING

ACT I

SCENE 1

(All is black. Spotlights hit TROLLS as they sing. When the spotlight moves, TROLLS will change hats/toques to represent different voices in the Chorus.)

TROLL 1 (whisper):

Heard a tweet! Heard a tweet!

                               TROLL 2 (overlapping):From a bluebird down the street!

                               TROLL 1 (louder):Repeat! Repeat!

                               TROLL 2 (overlapping):Heard a tweet! Heard a tweet!

                               TROLL 3 (jumping in):Little sparrow, quick and fleet!What’s the word? Please retweet!

Music: HEARD A TWEET

All TROLLS:

HEARD A TWEET, HEARD A TWEET!HEARD A TWITTER AND A TWITTER AND A TWEET TWEET TWEET!GOT THE NEWS, GOT THE WORD,EVERY RUMOUR EVER HEARD!HEARD A TWEET, HEARD A TWEET!CAN’T BE BEAT! TWEET TWEET TWEET!

TROLL 1:

KING RIND’S BLOWING! FIT TO BURST!GOT HIS PLANS NOW WELL REHEARSED!SETTING SIGHTS, FOR WHAT IT’S WORTH,STRAIGHT UPON THE GREAT WHITE NORTH!

TROLL 2:

ROBIN WHISPERED FROM THE WIRE,KINGDOM FUTURES—GROWING DIRE!

STOCKS ARE DOWN, PUTS LOOK RIGHT!

BET THE FARM AGAINST THIS BLIGHT!

ALL TROLLS (Chorus):

HEARD A TWEET, HEARD A TWEET!. . .

TROLL 3:

THE CROW HAS HEARD THIS MAN-CHILD BEAST!HOWLING INSULTS AT THE EAST!

LET THIS HOUND BAY AT THE MOON!

HE’S GONNA FIND HIS DOG DAYS SOON!

TROLL 1:

TO QUOTE THE BARD, THOUGH NOT WORD FOR WORD,

“THE DEVIL HAUNTS THIS OLD FAT TURD.”

TO QUOTE HIS MOTHER FROM LONG AGO,

“HOW THAT CAME OUT OF ME I’LL NEVER KNOW.”

                               TROLL 3 (picking up speed again):

THE EAGLE CLAIMS HE’S LOST HIS HEAD...

TROLL 2:

I’VE HEARD THE FAT-ASS SHITS HIS BED,

AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT THE OWL HAS SAID.

TROLL 3:

FROM ALL THE TWITTER, THE TWEETS ALL TELL...

FROM EVERY CORNER, HE STINKS TO HELL

TROLL KANADA:

CANADA GOOSE FLEW DOWN TO HAVE A SAY,THIS HOSER WANTS OUR PASSAGEWAY!

TAKE MY TWEET FOR WHAT IT’S WORTH.

HIS ETERNAL LIFE WILL BE OUR MISERY’S BIRTH!

TROLL 1:

MAGPIE WARBLED, SHARP AND QUICK,

KING'S NOT CUNNING! JUST REALLY SLICK!

AND THOUGH HE’S VILLAINOUS IN ALL THINGS!

IT'S THE MUSKRAT WIZARD WHO PULLS HIS STRINGS!

TROLL 2:

OH, KANADA! BLESS YOUR SNOW!HOPE THE NORTH WINDS START TO BLOW!

SEND THE BLOWHARD DOWN BELOW.

ALL TROLLS:

HEARD A TWEET, HEARD A TWEET!CAN’T BE B— (fades away...)

(Fade to black. Lights then rise on a gilded room. Enter FAIRY KING POUTINI, who surveys the opulent surroundings, brushing a finger along a gilded table. He turns to a portrait of the Rind King.)

POUTINI (to the audience)

Behold the man! What art. What likeness.This gold-dusted corpulent trunk of humours... This... (more disgusted) swollen bedazzled parcel of dropsies.Here, formed with bold impasto strokes, is not so much the image of a man,For a man is flesh and bones. A man is muscle and mud.A man is matter and mind.This is a trompe l’oeil of all our wanton desires and sins.A vomitus pastiche in paint, a lecherous hodgepodge of art and craft.I say it is we who have sculpted and formed this creatureout of the muck and slime of our basest instincts and desires.He is our man. Our art. Our likeness. Unformed, uncouth, unkind.I am sick when I do look at thee, to quote the Bard as well.But if the gods are just, we will send him to hell.

(He takes a looking glass from his bag.)

I hold here a looking glass, once a servant to truth and light,Tainted now and transformed into vanity’s delight.The witch Stormy has tempered it with a spell,whose mother the Rind King hath sent to hell.Vanity, when held up to our eyes, blinds us to beauty and binds us to lies.This reflection will comb over what he hasn’t the humility to see,His foul deformity reflecting only golden majesty.But any potion’s power is proportionate to the sin,And as his sins are endless, the North will rise again!

(He places the looking glass on a table, then disappears into the darkness as the lights shift. After a moment, the lights return, slightly brighter. Enter SERVANT ONE and SERVANT TWO, cautiously.)

SERVANT ONE (quietly):

Manfred, the new stylist, has fled to the South. Look.

(Hands SERVANT TWO a note.)

SERVANT TWO (reading):

“Parting is such sweet sorrow, but to style that hairline would mean no tomorrow.”

SERVANT ONE:

That hairline would mean no tomorrow...?

(Shrugs at the poor quality of the line, then looks up.)

SERVANT ONE (cont.):

What are we going to do?

SERVANT TWO:

What can we do?

SERVANT ONE:We must follow the living, or we will join with the dead.

SERVANT TWO (decisively):

Come, let’s away...

(Suddenly, THE RIND KING enters. The servants jump, quickly forcing on fearful smiles.)

SERVANT ONE (bowing):Your Majesty!

RIND KING (curtly):What is the news?

SERVANT ONE:

All great, my Lord. All very, very... very great.

RIND KING:Stocks are down?

SERVANT ONE:A buying opportunity, for sure.

RIND KING:Inflation up?

SERVANT TWO:

Things are bustling! Bustling, bustling.

RIND KING:The North is withholding precious magic?

SERVANT TWO:Grounds for an attack. Just as you wanted. I hope I don’t sound obsequious when I say that you are the greatest ruler who has ever lived and...

RIND KING:

And?

(The RIND KING notices a pause. SERVANT TWO trails off, panicked. SERVANT ONE jumps in.)

SERVANT ONE:And to be so handsome and... wise!Wiser than Solomon! Stronger than Hercules.

SERVANT TWO:Taller than... the Colossus. You are almost a god.

(The RIND KING’s face darkens.)

RIND KING (coldly):Almost a god? Was Hercules almost a god?

SERVANT ONE (stammering):I... I don’t know, sir. I never studied history.

RIND KING (bristling with anger):Then maybe you should study the back of my hand?You know the Oracle has said that my real father is Zeus.Do you think I am almost a god?

SERVANT ONE (frantic):Yes!... yes... No, no, no! You are more than a god! Much more!

RIND KING:More than a god? You would blaspheme my father to my face?Guards! Arrest this blasphem... minizer.

SERVANT ONE:Sir, you arrested the guard yesterday.

RIND KING:Then where are the men who arrested the guards?

SERVANT ONE:Fled, sir.

RIND KING:

Fled?

SERVANT TWO:

Fled, I’m afraid, sir.

RIND KING (softer):You should be afraid! Do you think you can play me? Do you think you can blow on me like a pipe?

SERVANT ONE:

I don’t smoke, sir.

RIND KING:Then don’t blow smoke up my ass. I could be well played if I were as you. If words could move me, then I would be no more than a wandering derelict of this kingdom’s howls and cries. But I am unmoved, unshaken. I am not a vessel. I am the air, the sea, and yes, the sun. I am not just a god by my past but by my destiny. Now, set your course for the gallows... or your soul will soon part from this Earth... But first, my morning song.

(The servants exchange terrified looks. SERVANT ONE gulps, then forces a bright, manic smile. SERVANT TWO follows suit. They launch into a forced song, voices shaky at first.)

Music: HAIL THE RIND KING

SERVANT ONE (singing nervously)

WHO SHINES MUCH BRIGHTER THAN THE SUN?WHOSE GLORIOUS RACE IS NEVER RUN?BEFORE WHOSE GAZE ALL COWARDS FLEE?OUR KING! THE KING! HIS MAJESTY!

SERVANT TWO (joining, a bit off-key):

WHO TELLS THE MOUNTAINS WHERE TO STAND?WHO HOLDS THE WORLD IN HIS HAND?WHOSE WISDOM MAKES OLD SAGES WEEP?WHILE LESSER JOES ARE FAST ASLEEP!

BOTH SERVANTS (faster, desperate):OH, HAIL THE RIND KING! HAIL HIS MIGHT!HE TURNS THE DARKNESS INTO LIGHT!OR BACK AGAIN, IF HE FEELS JUST RIGHT!HE’S SHREWDER THAN THE GREEKS OF OLD!ACES AND EIGHTS? —HE’LL NEVER FOLD.

SERVANT ONE:

HIS MIND’S A DIAMOND, SHARP AND CLEAR!DISPELLING DOUBT, DESTROYING FEAR!

SERVANT TWO:

HE KNOWS WHAT’S WHAT AND WHO IS WHO!AND WHAT HE THINKS IS ALWAYS TRUE!

BOTH SERVANTS:OH, HAIL THE RIND KING! HAIL HIS FACE!THE FAIREST KNOWN IN TIME AND SPACE!NO MIRROR SHOWS HOW GRAND THE SIGHT!REFLECTING SHEER, UNBLEMISHED LIGHT!

SERVANT ONE:THAT NOBLE BROW! THAT SCULPTURED CHIN!WHERE DOES HIS GODLINESS BEGIN?THOSE EYES THAT PIERCE! THAT... AMPLE FRAME!THAT ALL THE WOMEN WANT TO TAME.

SERVANT TWO (seeing the KING liked that):

THE LADIES SWOON, THEY WANT TO SING,AND HOW THEY LONG TO RING HIS... (hesitates)... DING-A-LING!

(THE RIND KING glowers. SERVANT TWO freezes in terror.)

SERVANT ONE (panicked correction):

HIS BELL! HIS BELL, WE MEANT TO SAY!THAT RINGS OUT GLORY EVERY DAY!NO DING-A-LING! A MIGHTY CHIME!RESOUNDING THROUGH THE WALLS OF TIME!

SERVANT TWO (nodding furiously):

HIS MIGHTY THING! HIS RINGING DONG!HIS BELL THAT TOLLS BOTH HARD AND LONG!IT TOLLS FOR THEE, ITS TREBLE STRONG!THERE’S NOTHING BETTER...

SERVANT ONE (panicked correction):... THAN THAT GONG?

BOTH SERVANTS (desperate pivot):

OH, LOOK UPON THOSE MEATY HANDS!THAT GRIP THE FATE OF ALL THE LANDS!                              

(They share a quick, terrified glance.)

AND ON HIS HEAD A GOLDEN FLEECE!WHICH IS SURELY NOT AN OLD HAIRPIECE!

SERVANT ONE (worried again):BUT BACK TO THAT TREMENDOUS BELL!WHOSE CLAPPER CASTS A POTENT SPELL!THAT MIGHTY RINGER, BRONZE AND GREAT!THAT SEALS THE VERY WILL OF FATE!

SERVANT TWO:IT SWINGS WITH PURPOSE! BOLD AND FREE!THE MEASURE OF HIS MAJESTY!COULD SIRE AN EMPIRE IN A DAY!

SERVANT ONE:

IF HE BUT CHOSE... TO... RING THAT WAY!

BOTH SERVANTS (accelerated, near shout):

OH, HAIL THE RIND KING! HAIL HIS NAME!ETERNAL GLORY! ENDLESS FAME!HE IS THE AIR! THE SEA! THE DIRT!HE... NEVER CAUSED US ANY HURT!HE'S JUST! HE’S FAIR! HE’S KIND! HE’S GREAT!THE MASTER OF ALL TIME AND FATE!HAIL RIND KING! HAIL! HAIL! HAAAIIIIIL!

(They end, panting in exhausted terror. THE RIND KING regards them with a scoff.)

RIND KING (dryly):

Fools. What about my morning tea?

SERVANT ONE (scrambling):

Yes, Sire! Of course, Sire! Right away!

RIND KING:

And what about the morning paper?

SERVANT TWO (also scrambling):

Indeed, Your Majesty! We live only to serve you!

RIND KING:Of course you do, you insolent fools. What could be greater for a mortal than to bask in my shadow? You will have special permission to come and go from the gallows as I please.Now, get out of my sight!... and then come back when you are needed, fools.

(They bow repeatedly and practically fall over themselves exiting.)

RIND KING (alone, noticing the looking glass):

What is this... a looking glass?

(He picks it up, studies his reflection. A slow, pleased smile spreads.)

RIND KING (cont..):

I am... truly... the most handsome man... nay... human I have ever seen! It almost turns me to melancholy that I alone can never bask in my true image. For this looking glass doesn’t do me full justice, as it can only mirror my countenance, and I can never know my visage in its full true force and power. If only I could be the Queen for a day to delight in what she must see... Or to be my foes and feel the fear my fearsome scowl conjures. With just the glance of an eye or the waving of my hand... which are big and girthy... hands like an Ork... thick fingers... thumbs like...

(SERVANT ONE enters cautiously.)

SERVANT ONE:Sir, the General is here.

RIND KING (jumping, roused from his reverie):

Bring him in, fool! Where is my tea?

(SERVANT TWO re-enters with tea.)

SERVANT TWO:Here, Your Majesty. Generously sweetened with Pixie honey.

RIND KING (sipping, still peeking at his reflection):

Am I generous?

SERVANT TWO:Yes, sir! To a fault.

RIND KING (eyes narrowing):

A fault?

SERVANT ONE (quickly):It’s an expression... it means exceedingly so...

RIND KING:

Did you exceed yourself to me?

SERVANT TWO (quickly):

Sir, I did nothing of the kind.

RIND KING:Am I kind?

(They exchange a nervous look.)

SERVANT ONE:

More than kind... which is to say...  that you mete out to each their... worth.Which is to say, you are... just. Which is to say, you are exceedingly kind...

SERVANT TWO:

But not to a fault...

RIND KING:Am I cruel?

SERVANT ONE:

Justly cruel. Exceedingly cruel, but justly so...

SERVANT TWO:

Cruel to a fault. Cruel to be kind.

SERVANT ONE:Sir, the General... 

MARIUS:

(bowing as the servants leave)

Your majesty.

RIND KING:How is the effort proceeding?

MARIUS:We are ready to go on your orders, Sire. Our sources say the Elf Queen has no more than twenty thousand... souls prepared for their defence.

RIND KING:Just twenty thousand.

(He admires himself in the glass.)

This should take a few weeks, then. Are the men up for this?

MARIUS:There are some fears, Sire. Some logistical challenges in the North. The seasons can be considerably challenging. We are going into a magical forest... and some believe in the curse... 

RIND KING (puzzled):Curse? What’s the curse?

MARIUS:Whispers, Sire. Old tales of the Spirits of Doubt who haunt the Northern Forest.They speak of echoes in the wind. Likely just superstition fueled by the terrain’s difficulty.

RIND KING:What exactly do these echoes... say?

MARIUS:

They... echo doubts, Sire. Nothing more. They say the spirits can sense the deepest fear of each intruder. But the real concern isn’t the Forest of Doubt or the harsh northern conditions. It’s this: If we proceed to the Fountain of Youth, we could find ourselves in battle on two fronts, as the Orks also believe the Fountain’s waters to be magical.

RIND KING (dismissive):Doubts? Orks? Trifles!

(He looks at his image.)

RIND KING (cont.)

Fake news. You bring me the Elf Queen’s head—or have no doubt—your head will follow. Now get out of my sight. I have more important things to attend to.

(GENERAL MARIUS bows stiffly and exits, looking troubled. The RIND KING, fully absorbed in the mirror, adjusting his belt to see how his bell looks in the mirror when THE SERVANTS come running back in with the King’s breakfast.)

SERVANT ONE:Sir, the Muskrat Wizard is here. He says it’s important.

(RIND KING is fumbling with his pants.)

THE RIND KING:

What is more important than my peace?

MUSKRAT: (pushing his way in):Just a moment of your time, Your Highness... I have done it! I have consolidated your... essence. See here, I have it in spray form. With an army of men all fashioned in your own image. We can’t lose!

RIND KING:

This is great news. Have you tried it yet on a human?

MUSKRAT:We could do it now. Let’s try it on your servants.

RIND KING:Come here, fools, I need you to breathe in my essence.

SERVANT ONE:I’m deathly allergic to... essence.

SERVANT TWO:As am I! Very, very, very allergic to all essence... ses

MUSKRAT (getting angry):

How can you be allergic when you serve the essence of the King each day?

RIND KING:I order you both to breathe in my essence.

SERVANT ONE:

Could I ask... kind Wizard, how the essence was... extracted?

MUSKRAT:It’s rather ingenious, I must say. I harvested anything that the King... emits.

SERVANT ONE:Emits! Sir?

MUSKRAT (getting angry):Yes, particularly the fluids. This is all beyond your comprehension, but my crack wizard team managed to attach the protein sequence to a simple cold virus. The result is, with one quick spray, you will have all the King’s intellect, bravery and even his perspicacity and maybe just a slight cold.

SERVANT ONE:

I’m deathly allergic to pers-pi... cat-city...!

SERVANT TWO:My whole family died from that cat thing just last week!

RIND KING:Enough of this! Lies! Fake Persian cat theory! Nobody's allergic to my essence! It's the best essence! Tremendous! Everybody thinks so. Now, breathe! I command it!

(THE RIND KING forcibly sprays both SERVANTS in the face with the atomizer. They cough, sputter, and wave their hands frantically for a moment. Then, a strange calm comes over them. Their posture changes slightly, becoming a bit more self-important, mirroring the King's stance.)

(MUSKRAT Observing eagerly, checking his crystal)

MUSKRAT:Neurological integration commencing... Viral protein sequence bonding... Cognitive restructuring initiating... Fascinating! The perspicacity uptake appears... nominal!

RIND KING (impatiently, to the SERVANTS):

Well? Speak! How do you feel? Tell me!

(SERVANT ONE’s eyes slightly glazed, but with newfound confidence.)

SERVANT ONE:

The best! Feeling the best! Doctors are saying... no one healthier... I’m probably the smartest servant! Maybe ever! Tremendous purple casualty! Believe me! Everyone’s saying it.

(SERVANT TWO nodding vigorously, stepping forward)

SERVANT TWO:

Very true! Very true! The Persian cat theory—all true! People come up to me, and they say, Sir, how did you come up with so many theories? I have some of the best theories. A scientist friend of mine once said to me, “Your brain seems to defy science!” Very strong essence! The best!

SERVANT ONE:And the Orks? They’re nothing. I could negotiate with the Orks! Get a tremendous deal! The best deal! They'd probably pay us to conquer them! Because my negotiating skills are... (searches for the word)... Huge!

SERVANT TWO:

My skills are huge too! Huger! I just negotiated... (looks around) ... in my head, the entire war! Unbelievable deal! Everyone agrees! Best deal, ever!

(RIND KING Looking slightly disturbed but also pleased)

RIND KING:

Good? So... you feel... like me? More... powerful?

SERVANT ONE:More powerful? Totally! Like... like we could run the whole kingdom! Maybe better! No offence, Sire, you’re great, the best, but I feel like I’m just more of you! Tremendously competent!

SERVANT TWO:Completely! Could fix everything! Stocks up! Inflation down! North? Handled! Fountain of Youth—Easy! We just need... (snaps fingers) ... executive orders—for everything! The best ones! Make it happen! Big league!

MUSKRAT (beaming, showing the crystal to the King):

See, Sire? Success! Personality matrix overlaid! Cognitive functions mirroring Your Majesty's optimal leadership parameters! It works! We’re prepared to upgrade your entire army.

(RIND KING looks from the servants back to Muskrat, then to his mirror, puffing up)

RIND KING:

Excellent! Tremendous work, Muskrat! An entire army... thinking like ME! Unbeatable! Now... you two! (Points to the servants) I’m promoting you to servants—first class.

SERVANT ONE:Wonderful, sir! Your essence is my essence!

SERVANT TWO:

Long may your essence...

SERVANT ONE:

Waft!

(King scowls.)

SERVANT TWO:

Linger.

(King hesitantly nods.)

RIND KING:Good! Now get out! All of you—you too, Wizard! I need alone time. Don’t come back until it’s time for my afternoon song.

(SERVANT ONE and SERVANT TWO walk away confidently. The Muskrat Wizard smiles at his work and then bows to the King and leaves.)

RIND KING (softly, to himself, looking in the mirror):

Perfection... Utter... godlike... perfection... What a piece of work am I, and how humbled am I by my perfection. How infinite in purple causality, moving like a devil in desire, how like a god... how like a Rock Star.

(Lights slowly dim on him. Darkness returns. The Trolls’ voices emerge from the shadows.)

Music: THE MIRROR WORKS.

TROLL 1 (voice in darkness):

THE MIRROR WORKS, THE SPELL TAKES HOLD,REFLECTS FOOL’S GOLD FOR FOOL’S GOLD TOLD.

TROLL 2 (voice in darkness):HE PLANS FOR WAR, FOR NORTHERN STRIFE,WHILE GAZING AT HIS PAINTED LIFE.

TROLL 3 (voice in darkness):THE DOUBT-WINDS HOWL, THE ORKS MAY WAKE,THE RISKS HE TAKES FOR VANITY’S SAKE.

TROLL KANADA (voice in darkness):

HE THINKS THIS BATTLE WILL BE A BREEZE, EH?OUR ELBOWS ARE UP IS ALL I’LL SAY.

TROLL 1 (voice in darkness):THIS GRADE-D’ORANGE IS A ROTTEN SEED,

AND A TROLL LIKE HIM SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME!

TROLL 2 (voice in darkness):THE STAGE IS SET, THE DIE IS CAST,BENEATH THE RIND, THE PULP ROTS FAST.

ALL TROLLS (CHORUS):HEARD A TWEET, HEARD A TWEET!HEARD A TWITTER AND A TWITTER AND A TWEET TWEET TWEET!GOT THE NEWS, GOT THE WORD,EVERY RUMOUR EVER HEARD!HEARD A TWEET, HEARD A TWEET!CAN’T BE BEAT! TWEET TWEET TWEET!

(Complete fade to black.)

END OF SCENE 1